persnickety psyche

this time...

2008-06-03T09:12:00.007+08:00

Somebody told me that prayer works 200% of the time; that's how powerful it is. So here goes mine, as I try I to hold on for dear life:

"Dear Almighty Father,
Right now, things are not going well with my life and my relationships. I sincerely implore Your mercy for true healing in times like these. All I can do now is have complete faith in You, as nothing is impossible in Your power. I seek nothing but Your divine will and hope that what I ask for is You desire for me. Lord, You alone can make me stronger. Honestly, I want these relationships to work out in the end. I trust You, Father. Thank You for always being there to tell me that You are in my midst, ever ready to catch me whenever I stumble. More importantly, I hope that people like me, who are sinners, will find redemption in Your blessing and unconditional love. If only we can even learn to love just half of how much You love us, then we'll be better humans in our human relationships. Amen."

here i am again... lost!

2008-05-31T17:48:00.005+08:00

i am still messed up. i never change...

if others are sick of me being this way, i could not agree more. if only, i'd put my own head on the chopping block and be done with it all. i'd stick a knife up my throat and everyone else would be less miserable. if i could make the world a happier place by being not there, then i may have done one good deed, after all, in life. please, i don't need pity...i am not even worth the thought of it.

"blah"

2008-01-20T23:25:00.000+08:00

i never win, don't i?... it seems that i'm always to be blamed. i suppose, it's my "curse". oh well, i can't please everybody. i make do with what i have...no matter how "blah". anyway, i'll continue with what's "there".

i suppose...

2007-12-28T12:17:00.001+08:00

just thinking aloud, i suppose... i hope i get to "finally" take a rest from this earth. the constant feeling of "not being good enough" is just too overwhelming. at least, i had a good run, if it ever meant anything to anyone in my life. i am just exhausted with waiting to make a "difference" in someone else's life, let alone the whole world. i hope i will be done soon; the sooner, the better.

still very gloomy...

2007-11-27T12:20:00.000+08:00

yup, i still am. it's been more than 2 months since i last looked at my blog. i'm still terrified to post something here. however, i felt so sad yesterday and until now that i needed to write this down. i freakin' just want to sleep for the rest of my waking hours, if only i could. lately, i've realized that i am so tired of it all, though i still continue to do what i do in each day. in short, i am in denial. that's how i've been coping. sometimes, i just block it out from memory, but that's not totally possible. anyway, for now, i feel like i'm a drone

pain...

2007-09-06T10:23:00.000+08:00

i never, in my whole life, thought i could feel so much pain each day. it makes me want to loathe myself for actually feeling and dwelling in this rut. it seems no amount of consoling can even start to make me feel better. my tears are not even enough to express the anguish i am going through. it's so vile that others can cause another strife and suffering. how can i be strong when i am emotionally incapacitated by this?? it's just not fair!

of dread and despair

2007-09-05T18:41:00.000+08:00

at the office, these days, my mind wanders and suddenly i feel like i am going insane, being eaten up by so much anxiety. it's all repressed inside. i want to cry, shout, jump over a cliff or anything that would finally relieve me of this dread! i feel very bothered. but then, i have no outlet. maybe, i am messed up already; i just keep brushing it aside, so that i won't stick out like a sore thumb that much. it's not because i am bored at work or i have lost the "drive" to do my job. don't get me wrong, i love my job. it seems that it's the only thing that keeps me "sane" and somehow summon the will to wake up the next day. i have been doing a lot of thinking and it just makes me feel more empty. it's so unnerving.

do you ever get the feeling that what you do is never enough?...you try to find a myriad of ways of filling that void; in the end, you always come up short. having that reality slammed on your face can and will make you detest your own self.

do you ever feel like punching someone really hard to the point of making your hands bleed?... that's how i feel right now; only, i can't actually do it because the frustration of feeling that way is much more overwhelming. all i am left to do is wallow in my tears.

silence

2007-09-01T17:43:00.000+08:00

the silence is breaking my heart...

Sleuth (2007)

2007-08-31T08:22:00.000+08:00

i remember watching the 1972 original film, starring Sir Laurence Olivier as Andrew Wyke (the wealthy writer of detective novels) and Michael Caine as Milo Tindle (the hairdresser who becomes Andrew's wife's lover), several times on HBO at home. i didn't know what it was about, but i decided to watch it in its entirety. as it turns out, the film is one of the most brilliant thrillers ever on cinema.

finally, they've made an updated version of the film this year. this time around, Michael Caine will fill the shoes of Andrew Wyke and (surprise?) Jude Law is Milo Tindle. i suppose, Jude Law is this generation's Michael Caine?... the cast is made up of these 2 actors. anyway, watch the trailer: http://www.sleuthfilm.com

i hope i get to watch this soon and see if this measures up to the original.

being a kid again

2007-08-28T12:13:00.000+08:00

this past weekend was a refreshing downtime. i never thought i'd feel like i'm a kid again. for three straight days, i woke up around 10am and had brunch. i was watching cartoons and movies almost throughout the day. i also downloaded several games on the pc like spongebob diner dash 2, cake mania and burger island. notice that all of the games involve food! i was the only one having "fun"; my other siblings were busy doing their homework and studying for exams. they'd be pulling all-nighters while i was awake doing nothing but surfing the web, eating, watching tv all at the same time. ah, these simple things have made me forget about grown-up annoyances such as deadlines and unrelenting stressful situations. if only everyday could be a long weekend, huh?....

oh well... saturday is just a few days away.

a very personal milestone

2007-08-17T08:17:00.000+08:00

i never thought that time would be so fleeting. the past year went by like a breeze. last night, the 16th of August, marked 2 years of being together. each day of the past year, i have learned something new about arvi, no matter how minute or trivial it was. the process of knowing each other in this relationship is still going on. i cherish that i get the chance to see his many facets be illuminated in a myriad of possibilities. being with him never gets old. i feel so blessed to have him in my life.

after dinner, strong gusts of wind and a huge downpour overwhelmed the skies. last night was the complete opposite of our 1st year anniversary. i was telling him, on our way home, that last year's celebration is still a vivid memory in my mind. nevertheless, yesterday was an even more special evening. we've grown closer together. reaching this far in a relationship is definitely a milestone.

i'm still here...

2007-08-08T08:50:00.000+08:00

ok...it's been almost 2 months since i last posted an entry. a lot of things have happened. what i will do now is recall these moments as far back as possible.

so far, work has been steady. i think i'm still doing okay. i'm trying to be more efficient with my tasks by learning new ways to do things faster but maintain a level of precision and quality. i like my teammates because they allow me autonomy in carrying out my job and still keep me focused with what i do. almost 4 months have passed, i can see myself being more and more eager and enthusiastic about learning the "ins and outs" of market research.

during the weekends, i get to go out to watch movies, eat at different places, shop, and most importantly spend time with arvi. in the past 2 months, i've watched films such as Fantastic 4, Transformers and Ratatouille. i've also kept up with watching downloaded tv shows such as Entourage and Psych.

yup, life, for me, is still great.

(8 days to go and it's our 2nd year anniversary together! =])

thrilled and terrified

2007-06-11T18:04:00.000+08:00

last week, i was given the opportunity to be involved in a new project at work. it'll be my first time to attempt setting up a "brand tracking" project for a consumer product. my teammates have "warned" me that it's going to be very hectic and involve long hours spent at the office. i admit that it entails so much effort to make sure that every step is covered. surprisingly, i hardly feel any stress; maybe, the adrenaline rush of doing something new has overwhelmed me. most of the time, i wish that it'd be possible for me stay awake for days just to do more work. then again, i'm only human and i do have to eat and rest in between. one observation that i would like to share is not even work-related. an indication that i've spent more time in the office than being home is that i see the night guard so early in the morning and when nighttime comes i see the same guard come in for his next night shift. imagine: i see him finish his previous shift and go home to sleep and i see him yet again in the evening to start another one. it seems that i now "live" in the office, hehe.

anyhow, i love my work and i'm glad that i get to learn more everyday. :)

ever since...

2007-05-28T20:44:00.000+08:00

ever since i became employed again last April, i have learned to be more grateful and mindful of the blessings that have been bestowed on me. i feel overwhelmed by the idea that life can become even better when one hopes and toils for whatever it is he/she desires. the possibilities are not only endless but also full of promise because the thirst to find happiness never ends with tangible and worldly measures of success. perhaps, an individual can have an inkling of what genuine happiness is by gauging how his/her humanity has flourished throughout experiencing the ups and downs in life. personally, i have yet to reach this point. i am persevering to come closer, though. it has been almost 2 months and i can say that i am learning to like what i do at work. i always remind myself that nothing is certain for both the short and long run. i have to treat each day as my last because i can only do so much with giving my best, as long as the opportunity is still in my hands. i cannot take any blessing for granted, just because it keeps coming my way. i refuse to have any regrets of not being able to make the most of what i had before.

aaaaarrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-04-28T22:54:00.000+08:00

since this is my blog, i can pretty much say whatever, right? as of writing this entry, i want to type a whole bunch of curses and expletives that are known to man. why? i'm so stressed, damn it. i feel like punching another person for the heck of it...just because i can and i want to. or else, i'll explode and maybe have a sudden rise in my blood pressure (or something close to it like bursting a blood vessel wherever in my body!)... i want to shout as loud as it's humanly possible right now. BUT i can't since my throat is sore and it hurts like hell to exert that extra effort. come to think of it, i'd only aggravate the immense anxiety i'm having now. aaaarrrrggghhh! there aren't enough letters and punctuation marks to express how awful i'm feeling, as of this moment. there are times wherein it's so burdensome to live. it's no wonder some people suffer bouts of depression and feel utter disgust for anything coming their way. it seems so damn pointless to even acknowledge these "disturbances".

what the?!

2007-04-04T00:10:00.000+08:00

when i feel so down, i don't cry...i stare into an empty void. tears aren't even enough to convey the gloom that has engulfed me. that's pretty much what i'm feeling now. i want to blurt out a myriad of verbal expletives so that i can release the tension. however, i stay silent. uttering those hurtful words won't even start to describe how bad i feel right now. sometimes, i want to physically torture myself so that others won't be able to inflict more pain upon me.

it seems that: i'm NEVER good enough! i always FAIL to measure up! i only give the LEAST of anything?!

back from a long blogging hiatus

2007-04-01T20:21:00.000+08:00

it's been almost 4 months since my last blog entry. a lot has happened within that span of time...

december 29
i'll never forget this day. i left my first job after measly 2 months and 13 days. i thought to myself: "this won't look good on my resume! good luck on finding work soon." then again, i can have a fresh start going into 2007, so it's not entirely a bad thing. i told my parents about what happened through a letter!? yup, that's a testament on how, sometimes, i can be a coward in sharing my thoughts to my loved ones. i can never seem to handle instant feedback from others and communicating back my feelings. good thing though, i was spared from my mom making a "big fuss" about it. part of dealing with the transition from being employed to being jobless is "abandoning" my blog altogether. i just could not stand reading the latest entries, especially those about my first job. it gave me an odd, creepy feeling. ugh!

january '07
during the first few weeks of 2007, i stayed home and embodied a bum's life to a tee. a typical day would involve sleeping late at night and waking up at noon, eating, watching tv, web surfing and downloading, and doing some chores, so that i won't be that bored. sometimes, i'd look at job openings on the web but it'd all turn out to be pointless. then again, i'm a very picky jobseeker. my hopes of landing a 2nd job were given new life when the Ateneo held its 5-day job fair. i gave out copies of my updated resume to companies that seem promising to me. right then and there, i was bombarded with invitations to job exams and interviews. and so, i went out to begin my search.

february '07
i always look forward to my birthday month. this year was my 22nd. i had a feeling that my luck would change for the better...i was dead wrong! in the first half of the month, i wasn't moving forward with any of my job applications. i told myself: "perhaps, i'm not meant to work again!" the only thing that kept me optimistic was my constant prayer to God that i may be blessed to find work. on the 19th, i tried my luck getting through a day's worth of exams for a position at a research company in Makati. days later, i got a call from that same company, telling me that i'm up for my first interview. i thought i did very well in that pursuit. 2 weeks passed since that day and still no call.

march '07
the wait was killing me. i decided to ask about my application status. as it turns out, the HR department has been having trouble scheduling my 2nd interview because the interviewer was so busy. a week later, i had the opportunity to have a "chat" with the research director. again, i thought i gave my best to impress her. roughly a week and a half passed and still no word from them. for the 2nd time, the lull was due to the fact that the HR manager was abroad in a conference. then, on the 20th, i was scheduled to meet with the HR manager for my final interview and salary negotiation. lo and behold, i was offered a job, finally! did i accept the offer? of course, i did. on april 10th, i'll be working as a research associate at TNS. it's such a blessing from God. this is proof that prayers work and anything is possible with great faith.

i'm so relieved grateful that i'm up and running again with work. my luck did change for the better; i was just off by a month. i hope i'll do much better with what i have now. and, i'll try posting more entries in my blog.

yes... i'm still breathing...

2006-12-11T21:50:00.000+08:00

like i said before, i'm moving on with life. a year ago, i was a student in my last semester of college, worrying about reports and deadlines.

nowadays... i'm still getting stressed over these same things. i go home so late in the evening and sleep even shorter hours. i like my job so much that i bring my tasks at home and continue to work on them on my own pc. looking back during my student life, i figured that i'd turn out to be some sort of a workaholic. then again, i enjoy the weekends by sleeping, watching, and going out.

anyway, i haven't yet mentioned what i'm doing now --i'm a financial analyst. i never thought i'd be in this kind of work. i almost flunked my one and only accounting 15 during sophomore year. each day at the office is really going through a labyrinth blinfolded.

i'm glad that i am able to experience not knowing everything beforehand and playing each moment by ear. it's refreshing to be humbled by the sheer size of new challenges ahead. sometimes, though, it gets so difficult that i want to quit. i always tell myself that i must accomplish something great.

one (really) stormy afternoon

2006-09-30T21:34:00.000+08:00

last thursday, September 28th, a violent storm ravaged metro manila. its winds hurled aside anything that came in the typhoon's path. here's a look back on that gloomy afternoon outside my house's street...

up next

2006-09-27T02:00:00.000+08:00

finally, my life is directing itself to a new direction. after months of extended "vacation", i'm starting to move forward.

honestly, i have gotten used to waking up in the mid-morning, having brunch, watching all the tv series and movies on the pc, eating whatever's in the fridge/pantry, reading, doing chores, etc; and at the end of the day, i'd be sleeping while everybody else in the family is waking up to leave the house. i guess, i was living the "good life", having all the time in the world to do anything that would keep me occupied during the day. well, such good life had its downsides. for one, sometimes i felt that i was being left behind by friends and acquaintances from school who've been employed months ago. at times, i also found myself staring blankly and feeling excruciatingly bored out of my senses. as i have mentioned in an earlier entry, i've been "craving" to be stressed about something, just so i can feel that there's a struggle that i have to conquer and eventually have a sense of accomplishment.

in a few weeks, hopefully, i can start anew with the next chapter after college. i'm looking forward to doing something really worthwhile and earning some cash on the side, hehe. perhaps, i would be living a "much better life" then.

looking back and waiting for something to happen ahead

2006-08-24T01:16:00.000+08:00

i miss going to school and having those stressful, sleepless days and nights. i used to drink many glasses of green tea and take in so much food just to keep myself awake all night. not only was i awake, but i was also "high" from all the caffeine and sugar that are infused in my bloodstream. i would be giggling and laughing at anything that comes up. my friends, who have stayed over at my house to finish group projects, can attest to this fact. often, i would be the last man standing, watching my friends take their precious naps. honestly, even though i was that "perky", i envied them for having a little bit more amount of slumber. i thought, i shouldn't be the first to ditch the project, since we're doing it in my house; it's sort of rude, right? several times, i would go to school the next day without ever resting, so i'd be half-asleep driving myself to school. indeed, the fear of getting in a car mishap was always there. i'm just surprised that i'd arrive in school in one piece, hehe. in school, the library is my second home wherein i'd catch up on 30 minutes to an hour's worth of sleep. looking back, i'm quite amazed that i still could go to all my classes to take notes, to listen, to recite, and to answer tests. thank God for miracles! at the end of those mind-numbing days, i'd be "out" in one snap of a finger, sleeping soundly on the bed.

presently, life could not be any more laid-back. i crave to have those stressful, sleepless days and nights back. those moments conjure up fun memories. perhaps, i should've gone to law school, haha! i have college friends who are on that path now. basically, they're back to square one; another four years of being a student. i'm really happy for them.

personally, i hope i can study again soon. i want to learn more each day. then again, my life now, after college, must be my chance to get some well-deserved rest. i can't wait for what's going to happen next.

photographs

2006-08-18T23:59:00.000+08:00

the bracelet looks even more brilliant with the light beside it.

i'm not used to holding such a huge bouquet of flowers, but receiving one makes me feel so special.

what is a romantic date without the warmth and radiance that a candlelight evokes?

yup, that's me in white. there seems to be a certain "glow"...then again, it must be the light bouncing off me.

this photograph turned out better than i hoped, whew! i asked arvi to hold the camera, because my hand won't stop trembling for a second, sheesh!. i thought the flash almost blinded me, though.

this must be arvi's "ravishing" look, but in a subtle mode. what do you think?

a year later...

2006-08-16T23:58:00.000+08:00

[2005]

on august 16th, arvi and i saw each other in a different light; we became a couple. one personal observation from experience: for two people to "officially" become a couple, an actual verbal expression of one's feelings toward the other must take place. mere gestures, which convey one's affection for the other, aren't enough a validation to say that both of them have reached that point of being 'in a relationship', right? anyway, from that moment on, our relationship soon took shape. days have turned into weeks, and weeks into months. during our 1st 'monthaversary', we had a lunch date, if my memory isn't mistaken. it had been a rainy afternoon, but every second was time well-spent.

[2006]

after twelve whole months, we're still together. honestly, our relationship had its share of both the happiest 'highs' and most laden 'lows'. sometimes, too much is going on and it becomes so difficult to deal with the entire setup. fortunately, we've managed to make things work, because of our utmost regard for commitment to each other.

on a lighter note, our 1st anniversary, such a momentous milestone, deserves a fitting celebration. at first, i thought the chances of us going out on the day itself were very slim. well, for one, august 16th would fall on a wednesday. it's a fact that arvi has already been working and his weekday work schedule would not permit him to have ample personal time. personally, i always assume that my mom would cringe at the thought of me being out quite late in the evening; she's really a force to be reckoned with! another hindrance would be the frequent rainshowers that lately make each day seem somber. it's such a hassle to be out on the streets when the weather would make traffic an absolute nightmare. certainly, my fingers were crossed for what's going to happen.

as it turns out, prayers do work! arvi had managed to leave the office just in time to push through with this event. and so, i prepared myself so that i would be psyched. the weather had been very clear all day, no rain in sight. even my mom was sort of "thrilled" that it was our anniversary (just seems unreal!). though, i thought we'd be able to go out earlier. finally, he arrived around 8pm in front of my house. i have to say that he looked ravishing (perhaps, this is an overstatement...haha, just kidding!) in a green jacket over his business attire. we then went on our way to the restaurant.

less than a kilometer away from my house, he suddenly remarked that he was hearing a shrill noise from the car's engine, to which i responded "huh? wala naman ako naririnig na sound!". he stopped the car and proceeded to open the car's hood; he then popped the car's trunk and asked me to reach for the tools. then, i opened the trunk. lo and behold, a huge bouquet of flowers was situated smack-dab in the middle of the trunk! gosh, how could i be so naive?! i, actually, got the toolbag and even fumbled to close the trunk, so that i might be able to hand him the tools. however, before i could walk closer towards him, he asked me "nakita mo ba yung flowers?". my mind could not function any slower to process the whole thing, (*sigh). it suddenly hit me: that moment was a mere ruse. i told myself, "abi, ang slow mo!". to save face, i told him "nakita ko naman yung flowers e; akala ko, para later pa yun!". much to my slight embarrassment over the matter, i just laughed it off. yeah, arvi laughed, as well. honestly, it turned out to be a nice surprise.

finally, we had managed to reach Gulliver's, which was located along Quezon Avenue; the restaurant was on the 8th floor of the hotel. our table was near the window, so we could see the so-called skyline of Quezon Avenue, hehe. the entire room was dimly-lit and each table had been illuminated by a single candlelight to create a romantic mood. personally, i must say that from the time i entered the room, walked towards our table, and sat down, time suddenly slowed down. soaking up the ambience had been quite an enthralling experience. sitting across arvi had been more amazing.

crispy almond duck was our chosen appetizer. for dinner, i had the grilled halibut with mashed potato and an array of vegetables; arvi asked for the steak (i forgot the exact name, yikes!), which almost spanned across the whole plate and about an inch thick, with toasted potato, vegetables and a piece of quiche. as per habit, we see to it that we share our food. towards finishing supper, we realized that we should've photographed our food, oh well. (next time, perhaps...). we just indulged ourselves with taking pictures of each other, haha. out of the blue, arvi brings out something shiny. damnit! i'm caught off guard by such a simple gesture. i could not help but smile and giggle at what he had done. actually, it was the thought of him giving me something that made me gush. then again, the gift was beautiful. we decided to skip dessert and eventually left the place. on the way home, we stopped by a cafe. we both had hot peppermint tea to soothe our tastebuds and 'aid us in our digestion', hehe. arvi also bought a slice of chocolate fudge cake for takeout, something to bring home to my sister (...so sweet of him). later, he safely drove me back home. it was bittersweet that our night was about to end. nevertheless, we both relished spending our anniversary together, especially on the day itself.

i'm looking forward to next year. :D

this entry is a tad bit long, i know, hehe. anyway, anniversaries only happen once a year.
(pictures will follow in a subsequent entry.)

rain, rain...it's still here

2006-08-05T23:44:00.000+08:00

yes, it's another rainy day today. however, my day wasn't as gloomy as the weather. it was one of days that deserved to be remembered. it wasn't my birthday, though. see, i haven't been out of the house for weeks and today i had the chance to go on a date. yeah, sometimes, i go out on an actual date, for fun...haha! actually, i thought we were going to watch a film in the afternoon and having supper afterwards. i also thought i was going to cook (for the first time!) pasta. something came up and changed the plans. we had lunch out and went to the mall. spending that much time with each other is bliss. this day has reminded me that life isn't empty and monotonous. i just hope next time the weather would be sunnier.

*sigh

2006-07-29T22:20:00.000+08:00

one downside of being a bum is having NO MONEY... gosh, i have no allowance since i'm no longer a student. i should be earning now but i still don't have a job. there are times when i really get bored at home; i just fall asleep at a snap of a finger. the thing is, i don't mind being a bum. it's just that i miss the feeling of being stressed once in a while, as when i was still in college. my life is so laid-back that sometimes i get left behind with what's happening in the "real" world.

not only am i broke, but also "inactive". *sigh

best summer movie of 2006

2006-07-17T00:06:00.000+08:00

finally, i got to view Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest last July 15th. i must say that i wasn't disappointed. although the film was 2 and a half hours long, it didn't feel that it was dragging at any moment. the final scene made me gasp; i thought to myself "what now? what's going on next?"...and when i saw what was revealed, i told myself "whoa! i didn't see that coming!". i can't wait for the 3rd part, "At World's End" next year, haha.

shameless film post

2006-06-28T17:13:00.000+08:00

have you seen it already??... well, "it" is the new Spiderman 3 teaser trailer! it's only 1:37 minutes in length, but it packs quite hell of a punch. the editor did a really great job of putting together bits and pieces of the film, without giving away too much. after watching the clip, it really really made me wish that i could see the entire thing right away...but of course, it's yet to be shown on the 4th of May 2007 (arggghhh!!!). according to the the film's official website, we all have to wait 309 days until its release. time flies fast, anyway.

by the way, if anyone wants to see trailer, here's the link:

spiderman3-teaser-trailer

(you need Quicktime to view it, though.)

i'm going to watch it again, later...hehehe

a simple request of mine

2006-06-26T11:07:00.000+08:00

today is one of THOSE days!: i'm minding my own business and some people around me suddenly become irritable. this may sound farfetched: sometimes, i wonder if i'm one of the factors that make them act like that. i mean, "c'mon! back off a little". people can be so touchy-feely during some days. all i'm asking is don't let that negative energy spill over other innocent bystanders. i get it: you're having a BAD day!... give others the opportunity to enjoy THEIR DAY. please, find a way to deal with your day, which has gone awry. is that too much too ask?! sheesh!

thankful

2006-06-22T01:43:00.000+08:00

my life is full of meaning...

i'm thankful for having been blessed with extraordinary people who are always there for me. they inspire me to strive for the best. they help me face challenges. they make me feel safe. they never falter in showing their love for me.

i wish i could show how much they mean to me.

faith and hope

2006-06-17T00:36:00.000+08:00

My Answer is You...

There's a world of difference when faith is in a heart
It stands out like sunlight
Life becomes so dark
And when those around me ask me why
I dare to dream
Or why I love or why I sing

My answer is You
My answer is You
You're the hope that my heart is holding on to
Skeptics won't understand
It's strange from the world's point of view
My answer is You

They may find it incredible to believe what I can't see
They might think it's foolish
Or even say it's weak
I want to live my life so differently because of faith
If it causes them to question, for me to say

My answer is You
My answer is You
You're the hope that my heart is holding on to
Skeptics won't understand
It's strange from the world's point of view
My answer is You

You're the reason I'm alive
For every good thing in my life
My answer is You
My answer is You
You're the hope that my heart is holding on to
Skeptics won't understand
It's strange from the world's point of view
But my answer is plain and it's simple, Lord
My answer is You

This song keeps on playing in my head not only because I play it over and over on my mp3 player, but also because its message is so poignant and moving.

I admit that i'm not that very keen on practicing my faith, but I do go to mass and pray everyday. Sometimes, I just do these practices out of habit; more often, I lose track of the meaning of these practices. However, i've always kept in mind that God's presence in my life is something that i have faith in. There are times where i'm in the lowest of lows, i find it very difficult to have hope that something good can be drawn out of such despair and weakness. Of course, i can't help but question and doubt God and His will; it's human instinct to act this way. Through constant reflection and contemplation, i realize that God is just there right beside me. I experience problems, not because He wants to see me suffer, but because He wants me to realize that i can't stand without Him...that i have the capacity to lose control; His way is always what's best for me.

According to the Bible, Faith is the essence of things HOPED FOR, the evidence of things UNSEEN. In the song, God is the HOPE that people hold on to, not only in good times, but also in trying times.

"breathless" and "sleepless" nights

2006-06-07T22:15:00.000+08:00

it's the 3rd day this week, since monday, that i had to wake up by 530am. i know it's not an unholy hour; a lot of people get up during a very much earlier time. i've been getting only 5 hours (or less) of slumber.

i can't sleep before 12am because of the friggin' heat and humidity in the air. because of such weather condition, i'm driven to turn up the fan's speed to its maximum level and let it blow huge gusts of air directly on me (which i've been told is a no-no because it makes my allergies act up; when they do start, i go through a "sneezing frenzy!). now, i'm having a bout with colds and cough. what's worse, i end up hyperventilating. i hate it when this happens! sometimes, i wish i could take my lungs out for a few minutes to let it "rest" and put it back when it's already cleansed of bad air.

today, my difficulty in taking "normal" breaths was aggravated. i had to take an exam for a prospective job in a bank in a room where the airconditioner was in full blast. i swear the air vent in the ceiling was right on top of me! i was trying not to feel cold by thinking i'm in heated spa room; it worked for the first hour. i realized my "mind-over-matter" schtick can only do so much, argh! yup, i was starting to feel very chilly; i'm having an experience of HYPOTHERMIC proportions! i couldn't focus on the tests at hand. luckily, i managed to qualify for both stages of the written exam. (i had an interview in the afternoon.) as soon as the exam was over, i rushed towards the door; i couldn't wait to feel an amount of heat in the air.

i'm at home now. i feel that i'm about to be plagued by the flu. i can't breathe! i can't stop sneezing! i can't sleep!

more colds and cough = less sleep --> OH NO!!!

tomorrow's going to be the 4th day...

sigh

2006-05-25T01:36:00.000+08:00

i'm going to own up to the fact that i feel so vulnerable.

i don't know why i'm doing this. if i were more "myself", i won't even utter a word about it. i'd keep everything bottled up. that's what i've always done to "cope" with situations that confront me. in the short run, i would do just fine and dandy to get by the moment. pretty much my whole life, i've been "lying" to myself; i've gotten used to it. i tell myself that i'm "okay" and "fine", when in reality i'm in so much pain. i just brush it aside like it's nothing...like it hasn't happened in the first place. i know, i know...what i've been doing is pathetic! still, i live my life this way. when will i ever learn not to be like this?!

i don't know where this is coming from; i just feel so fragile that i'm going to be shattered into pieces.

what the hell's happening to me?? perhaps, i'm exhausted... but with what? i have no idea.

maybe, this is paranoia. i can't fathom why i'm so lost.

*sigh*

so far...

2006-05-18T10:52:00.000+08:00

so far...i'm enjoying my summer vacation. i still don't know how long this would extend, until i find the right job for me. i'm not in a rush to work; at the back of my mind, i'm aware that when i do start working, i won't have as much time to relax. i really appreciate having the opportunity to do whatever i want, no matter how simple and ordinary it is. what's important is that i have fun doing it.

probably, i'm having the best summer, yet, of my life. i'm not going to mention the reasons behind this statement. all i can say is that this time has been the culmination of what i've become as a person after going through so many life lessons in college. this summer is the threshold of bigger and greater things that i'm about to face in the "real world". for the past years, i've been living inside a "bubble". most of the time, i don't give a damn as to what's happening beyond my comfort zone. i'm not saying that i've suddenly experienced a complete 180 turn and decided to drastic feats, which affect humanity, as a whole. at this stage, i'm trying to comprehend how to genuinely start and make something great out of this transition to becoming more human in life.

anyway, i feel like i'm thinking too much already with the previous paragraph. basically, i'm still a kid. at 21, i have so much to look forward to; i have so many things to accomplish and experience.

so far, i'm happy that i get to do one new endeavor each day.

can't figure out why

2006-04-19T13:58:00.000+08:00

i really don't know what to do, let alone, i can't figure out "why" is this happening. i must be missing something. i need some "enlightenment", please.

anyhow, i just spent a week in Orlando, Florida. i must say Disneyworld IS the "happiest celebration on earth". 'hollywood tower hotel' and 'expedition everest' are the coolest new attractions at walt disneyworld. 'space mountain' and 'big thunder railroad train' are still favorites of mine; they bring back great childhood memories.

i'm enjoying my vacation but it seems that i'm getting more and more worried.

i need a hug *sigh*

feeling much better...

2006-04-08T03:30:00.000+08:00

it's quite a relief that i'm feeling much better now... i'm trying to enjoy my vacation again. yesterday, i found a book on digital photography. i'm interested in making it a hobby of mine. the places i've seen have been amazing. i should get a new camera, when i have the means to buy one. :)

update on why this summer vacation sucks

2006-04-06T10:23:00.000+08:00

i'm miles away from home. i have no friends to talk to. i feel so helpless. i'm crying right now (literally!)...i need someone to comfort me.

why am i feeling this way??... i can't tell the world, because i'm not supposed to tell.

*sigh*

i want to go home already!!!!!!

help me!!!!

this vacation...not so good

2006-04-06T10:14:00.000+08:00

as it turns out, this vacation has been the worst, so far, in my life... i just wish that i can go back home sooner. i hate feeling like this.

*sigh*

update on my summer vacation

2006-04-04T21:53:00.000+08:00

it's already april. it has been more than a week since graduation day last March 25th. yup, i'm currently on my summer vacation abroad in the States. right now, my family and i are staying at my cousin's place in Albany, New York. the ambience is very cozy, especially inside the house. however, the weather outside is really, really cold with a temperature in the 40's and 50's (fahrenheit)! before we arrived here, we spent a few days walking around and exploring the every block and corner of the streets of the Big Apple. honestly, it's the most walking i've done over several days. i'm used to driving my car at home. here in New York, i've become one of the commuting tourists. it's great exercise, especially now i'm eating so much food abroad, hehe.

next week is Holy Week; Disneyworld is where we'll spend these momentous Christian holidays. kinda not appropriate, right? it's going to be 7 (or 8) fun-filled days under the Florida sun!

i still can't recover from jet lag, though! :(

graduation day

2006-03-25T12:21:00.000+08:00

today is my college graduation. i'm sure that i'll be bored out of my mind, while sitting down and waiting for my name to be called. what am i to do??... i have to bring gadget(s) to keep me occupied and not stare at my phone, checking the time every now and then. humidity is going to be an issue, as well. my toga is probably made of the worst fabric in the whole world; when i'm wearing it, i feel as if my skin is going to break out with rashes! if only i can go outside and just come back when we are about to go on stage...*sigh*...

good luck to me, not because i'm about to graduate (that's already a given, hehe!); i hope i can make it through the whole ceremony without going insane due to intense boredom and exhaustion.

that reminds me: bring bottled ice cold water!

3 and a half hours to go until graduation...

wrong shoe color

2006-03-20T21:04:00.000+08:00

oh no!!!... my brand new pair of shoes is Fuchsia in color.

note to self: stupid mistake on not remembering DARK COLORED shoes are the ones allowed.

i hope my parents can find it in their hearts to buy me another pair with the right color, hehe (*evil grin*)... another new pair for me...

*sigh*

food! food! food!

2006-03-13T12:41:00.000+08:00

lately, all i do is eat, eat, eat!!!... it seems like i failed to make good on my plans to lose some weight this summer...aaarggghhh!... well, it's too late for me to go to the gym, because the time won't be enough. i'm leaving for the US on the 28th (finally!)... i bet i'd be eating more and more food there. that means one thing: i MAY become a "fatty" once i go back home. (*knock on wood!)

i hope i can find the strength to keep my appetite in control.

perhaps, i need to stick to a diet!

the summer is just beginning...

back to blogging...

2006-03-09T16:52:00.000+08:00

since my life in college is pretty much over in a few weeks, i can now allocate a portion of my time to posting. i'll be giving an update of what happened to me during finals week (feb 27th - march 3rd) until today, march 9th. it's just a quick rundown, and not a detailed chapter of an autobiography, hehe...

here goes...

feb 27th: ...first day of our finals week, BUT, classes are suspended!... it's good that i didn't schedule any written test/oral examination. ...wrote my philosophy paper on Mill's Greatest Happiness Principle, which i still think is not a moral framework because it's consequentialist approach on life seems too 'easy': as long as the action brings happiness, it is morally justified. (is that right?!) ...studied for my philosophy oral exam, scheduled on the following day. i really love cramming! well, i was not that worried because the oral exam is a group thing (i have a partner, haha).

feb 28th: ...around 8am, i almost died!...actually, i found myself being involved in a triple collision. (3rd strike for me.!) phew! good thing, my car was barely scratched. the plate was slightly bent out of shape. i was really trembling because i knew that i am going to face the ire of my parents, once they find out. it's the first time i went to a police station and be under investigation, sort of. to cut the story short, the matter was resolved by 12nn. i get to review for my philosophy oral exam with my partner for at least 3 & 1/2 hours.
...4pm, philosophy oral exam: it's my first time (also for Rizza) to take an oral exam in a garden setting. it probably encouraged us to 'philosophize' as philosophers did in days of yore. we got to talk about Aristotle & the Ring of Gyges and Aquinas & good will.

march 1st ...3am-8am: i'm still writing my final paper for European Cinema class. i really love this subject because of the good films that i got to watch. i now have a deep appreciation for European films. i really liked Amores Perros (Love's A Bitch), Europa Europa, and The Legend of 1900.
...1pm: i start preparing for my theology oral examination. at this moment, i still haven't read in detail the 10 thesis statements! i decided to take a nap, so that i'd feel refreshed to study by 4pm. unfortunately, i overslept!!! i woke up around 630pm. good thing, my friend dropped by to give me a very nifty reviewer. though i have a summary of what to study, i still felt tired, and off i went into deep slumber.

march 2nd ...9am: i arrive in school earlier, so that i can cram for my theology oral exam until 3pm. that gives me 6 hours or 360 minutes to cram all the knowledge in my STM (short-term memory); i can devote 36 minutes per thesis statement. as usual, my plan was disrupted! a slew of unwanted annoyances has ruined my schedule, oh well!
...3pm: my oral exam is supposed to commence at this time, but there has been a delay. this gives me 'more time to cram', but my nerves are starting to overwhelm me. finally, the exam begins. i draw #1 from a mug, what a relief! it's really weird to hear me babble and babble about Vatican II and Liberation Theology for about 5 minutes. i am not making any sense at all! good thing, my teacher asked me questions about the statement. i can say that i did well from that point on.
...620pm: finally, i got home. the day is far from over. 2 friends of mine spend the night to finish our paper for Ec177 (theory and practice of social development). as usual, we watched tv shows on my pc until 10pm!!! we had food delivered from McDonald's. we then proceed to reading the 1st draft of the paper. i have to say that our teacher's handwriting reminds me of Morse Code. it's soooo difficult to decode. by the time we had decrypted his comments, we fell asleep. i was not as "hyper" to pull an all-nighter, because i didn't consume any sugar at all.

march 3rd ...6am: we woke up knowing that we still have an unfinished Ec177 paper! at that point, it's so difficult and impossible for us to finish the revisions, because the stress of not getting a good night's sleep during finals week is already devouring our consciousness. then again, it's a major requirement, so we had to push through with its completion. there have been moments of utter hopelessness and despair. i just wanted to curl up in my bed, hug my soft pillow and get lost in the countless REM cycles. still, we persisted.
...1230pm: we are almost done with the paper. i almost learned how to make a cost-benefit analysis, thanks to Jared, hehe. Gerald accidentally (nay, INTENTIONALLY!) sent the message "I Love You" to all the people in my yahoo messenger list! aaargghhh...i'm really embarrassed by what he did..er, i mean, what "i did".
...2pm: after having lunch in ISO, i, Jared and Gerald went to the registrar's office to get our clearance forms. i can't believe it! it's another step towards graduation, yipee! i thought we'd be able to accomplish getting all the signatures with so little time. then again, i'm just too excited to graduate, hehe.

march 4th ...12nn: driving along katipunan avenue, i thought i was going to die again. i almost hit the van in front me. sometimes, i can be so 'detached' from reality. perhaps, my mind was drifting away and i somehow lost track of what i was doing. as fate with have it, i stepped on the brake pedal just in time and avoided another "vehicular mishap' (sheesh, if it pushed through, it'd be TWICE in a week!).
...1pm: my blockmates and i are in the Henry Lee Irwin Theatre for the Seniors' "Pabaon" (some sort of send-off). personally, the event has made me feel more appreciative of being part of my school.
...3pm: during the break, my friends and i get the chance to be in a photo op with THE Fr. Ben. yeah, it has been an exciting moment, hehe. in my count, i had 3 photo ops with him.

march 5th ...9pm: finally, i start editing our powerpoint presentation for theology, as part of our group report the following day, 9am. as usual, it takes me hours and hours to tinker with each slide and finish with the intracacies of putting all the necessary format 'touches'.

march 6th ...2am: i am still awake!; thanks to 3 cups of Lipton orange pekoe and pekoe cut black tea. i haven't consumed so much caffeine in my life. after doing the powerpoint, i then proceed to making a slideshow of the pictures from the immersion of my groupmates, coupled with mellow piano music. since the caffeine has reached the inner regions of my bloodstream, i decided to search for a music clip of a prayer by St. Ignatius.
...830am: i arrive in school with minutes to spare for some preparations for our report in theology. i tried to check the files on my groupmate's laptop. much to my dismay, the slideshow played without the pictures! it seems the world crumbled before my eyes. i lost the enthusiasm to go on with the report. i felt a sense of disappointment.
...920am: during the report, i suddenly felt burned out. all the stress had managed to squeeze the 'life' out of me. indeed, technical difficulties plagued the presentation. nonetheless, our teacher appreciated our efforts, saying that it was'organic' and honest. what a relief!!

march 7th ...10am: i am lining up to get my graduation pictures. personally, i thought my pictures were just 'okay'. i really find it very weird staring at myself on a photograph, especially the framed one. i can't explain such feeling.
...1130am: Arvi, Karlo and i are off to Makati to watch a film at the Powerplant mall. One moment ruined my afternoon there. I was about to purchase a plain brown shirt at a shop, when both of them 'criticized' my choice of clothing. i was really annoyed. how dare they say that i should pick another one, a "better" top. i lost the drive to buy the shirt. afterwards, we had a scrumptious lunch at Dulcinea.
...330pm: later, we went to Galleria, hoping that the film we planned to watch was being shown there. unfortunately, it was no longer playing in theatres. we decided to view Jet Li's film "Fearless". i thought the movie turned out to be better than i expected. i liked the fight scenes; they seem so fluid onscreen.
...720pm: after the film, we did some window-shopping. as it turns out, i bought the brown shirt, hehe. next time, i won't spend time shopping with guys; they just get in my way!
...825pm: we get back to katipunan to have supper at McDonald's. while eating, it just hit me that my life in school is about to end. i have no more papers, tests, and projects to keep me awake in countless sleepless nights. i'm certainly going to miss being a student.
...9pm: as i was about to drop my friends at the parking lot, Arvi realized that his car had a flat tire. moments later, i was observing someone change a flat tire. i learned something new during the evening. it wasn't as difficult as i thought it would be.

march 8th ...10am: it's officially vacation time for me. i can relax, but i had discovered that our internet connection "died". i'd spend the entire day not only staring at the two computers in my room, but also trying to reconfigure our router.
...930pm: after hours and hours of reading pc forums on the internet about setting up a home network, i finally found a way to bring our internet connection back to normal. i swear, i felt i was the smartest person in the world, haha. my bed never looked so good to lay myself to sleep.

march 9th ...today, i was bored to death! i suddenly miss cramming for a test or trying to write a paper barely hours before the deadline. i have to do something, anything to keep me busy! then again, i have hours and hours of tv shows and films downloaded from the internet. this is the reason why i slaved for almost an eternity fixing the internet connection here at home, haha!

whew! this the longest blog entry, as far as my life is concerned, hahaha!... my hands are now sore from typing. at least, i did something worthwhile (i think?!) today. :)

tomorrow is another day...

to update or not to update?

2006-02-27T15:27:00.000+08:00

ok, it's been quite a looooooong time, since i last wrote a post here. honestly, i've been lazy to write anything at all. it's not that there's absolutely nothing going on in my life; it's just that the things that have been happening are much too extraordinary to share in this blog.

i figured, moments in life have more meaning if i leave them be, and are not subject to my interpretation. (does that even make sense?!) as far as other people's lives are concerned, comparing my life to theirs is like comparing a small water droplet to rainshower. (haha, this analogy could not be more lame!!)...

if it's worth anything to anyone, i'm still very much alive! :)

some thoughts...

2005-12-13T22:47:00.000+08:00

sometimes, i feel like letting go with life... i can't explain myself with words to those who deserve an explanation... i really can't understand how i can be so stupid with decisions... i want everything in my life to come out perfectly but all i get are regrets and mistakes... i want to assert what i feel, even for a moment, but i am such a coward... i want to ask for help from others but when i'm about to do it, i feel that i'm only an inconvenience... i seldom get any slack...

my final college semestral break

2005-10-20T00:30:00.000+08:00

it has begun. this is my final semestral break in college. after this period, it'll just be 3-4 months until graduation day comes. it is a bittersweet feeling.

the days seem to be passing faster than they should be. there are times wherein i feel that i've wasted the moments to do something worthwhile. there are times wherein i feel being left behind by everybody else. there are times wherein i feel sad and teary-eyed for no apparent reason at all; i'm just filled with gloom.

in a few weeks, my final semester in college will begin to end.

i don't care anymore!!!

2005-10-01T20:19:00.000+08:00

i don't care anymore...

...that i'm always a disappointment to EVERYone!
...that i cause so much pain and inconvenience to EVERYone!
...that i completely disregard and undermine EVERYone's feelings!
...that i can never be what EVERYone is expecting of me!
...that i simply can't please EVERYone!
...that i waste EVERYone's precious time!
...that i put EVERYone in a messy situation!
...that i'm so selfish that EVERYone means nothing to me!

just sobbing...:(

2005-09-25T13:45:00.000+08:00

i want to die (literally!). as i'm typing this entry, i am crying profusely. i don't know what else to do. i'm so exhausted!!!

not again!!!

2005-09-03T22:31:00.000+08:00

it's that time of the semester again!... all my subjects are being brutal and terrifying, with all the tasks at hand. i really loathe multitasking, given so little time! it's stressful and mind-numbing. i swear, sometimes, i just want to curl up in a dark corner and sob relentlessly... :(

i'm still okay...

2005-08-29T23:54:00.000+08:00

lately, everyday, i have something to look forward to. it seems that i've been more calm and a bit less consumed by little details in work. at the start and end of each day, a smile lights up my face. i have this feeling that things will be okay, eventually.

i feel happy....i don't feel happy...i feel happy...?!?!

2005-08-27T18:53:00.000+08:00

sometimes, it seems that i can be full of energy and do everything without sleeping for days. it's as if i've been taking large doses of Prozac everyday. actually, i'm not taking any!... i just feel somewhat happy for some reasons that i can't articulate. i'm not going insane, ok?!... i seem to have a newfound sense of optimism in life. although, sometimes, it feels like a phony kind of "positive" outlook. does that even make sense?...i'm not sure.

a misunderstanding...

2005-08-10T00:26:00.000+08:00

yesterday morning, i woke up to my mom's incessant reminder to immediately lock the door after they've left for work. as she was closing the door, i blurted out that i haven't received my allowance for this week. she replied with an annoyed remark, "i already gave you your allowance around 8pm last night!!". my knee jerk reaction was: "huh?? i was asleep during that time!!! how can i have gotten the money when i was unconscious?!". suddenly, she was fuming mad saying, "what?!? i GAVE you the money last night!!! i saw you get the money from me! how dare you tell me that i forgot to give your allowance!! go look for it!"... then, she slammed the door, as she headed for the car. aaaaaaaarrrrrggggghhhh!... i swear, i was ASLEEP during that time...unless, i must have been sleepwalking and i completely blanked out that event from my mind. after an hour of searching my room and the rest of the house, i found the money near my desk. oh gosh! i WAS sleepwalking! apparently, everything has just been a misunderstanding... *sigh!

don't know why

2005-08-07T17:05:00.000+08:00

i don't know why i get so stressed over little things, that i fail to do my tasks so efficiently. i'm always pressed for enough time, even though there's no need to rush. i easily scare myself with the "what if's" and hypothetical "doomsday" scenarios in every situation. i'm always a "bundle of nerves" under pressure!

*sigh*

sleep-deprived

2005-08-03T21:19:00.000+08:00

i need sleep!... i wish i had the luxury to sleep as long as i want to. with so much work at hand, sleep has become expendable! i always find little time for sleep. i feel a throbbing in my head more often now because i lack so much hours to sleep. i'd do anything to sleep longer at night. i'm really bothered that my sleeplessness would further worsen my anemia, which could make me immensely vulnerable to sickness. :(

only a bad dream

2005-08-02T09:20:00.000+08:00

last night, i thought it was the end of the world for me. i saw myself lose consciousness and become a lifeless corpse. the place was dreary. i felt really lost and exhausted. nobody was there to comfort me. i started to cry, even when i'm already dead and cold. i was so terrified by the uncertainty.

suddenly, a jolt of energy came through me. i screamed out loud! finally, i woke up again. it was only a bad dream.

i was lying on the bed, thinking back what my dream was about. i could not recall anything at all. my mind was blank and empty. however, i was shivering and uncomfortable.

what was that all about?...

just desensitized

2005-07-27T23:22:00.000+08:00

there are moments when i actually feel nothing emotionally. it's as if i've become cold and lifeless. my mind is telling me that i know better than to... and yet, my heart is making me bear what's happening. i'm in the middle; i'm standing within the cracks...just standing still. it's as if i'm waiting for someone or something, but i already know that nobody and nothing will come.

in these moments, i tell myself to feel nothing, because feeling something would only mean that i allow these times to overwhelm and control me. it's better to "shut down" during these minutes than to get hurt along the way. i alone know that it's such a miserable state. i try to be strong, nonetheless. i owe it to myself to pull myself together. i don't complain most often, for i'm aware that doing so would be futile. these moments are never worth-remembering!

it's only a matter of months before everything comes to a close, and such moments would cease to transpire. after everything is over, i'm never putting myself through it all. going beyond would just be too much. i know that i deserve to have moments wherein i'm actually happy and taken cared of.

i need to sacrifice by not feeling anything. i have to be desensitized.

so close...but not yet there...

2005-07-22T19:45:00.000+08:00

Day 5... it's been almost 2 weeks now since my group reported for our MWF class in Economic History of Modern Japan. Out of the 5 members, we're still listening to reporter #4's part!(she's just halfway: 35 powerpoint slides to go)... i'm reporter #5. i thought that i'd be able to report this week but i was dead wrong! i was happy and sad at the same time: happy because i've been dreading to report in front of the class (until now, i still tremble while speaking in public!); sad because it's been days and days of prolonged agony.

sometimes, i swear, for the past several days, i've been having nightmares of me messing up in my report!!! the madness is overwhelming. i've rewritten my report in different sizes of index cards during the last week, and i'm never satisfied. i've edited my powerpoint presentation several times already, and i can't seem to get it right. i've tried to add more content to it, but in the end i'd just remove the additional stuff, anyway. i'm so obsessed with getting this report out of the way.

*sigh*

on monday, classes are cancelled due to a national political event, so i'm safe from doing the report. on wednesday, reporter #4 will continue her report...and reporter #3 will report an additional topic that he somehow missed out. my teacher keeps on interrupting the report with her comments and clarifications. some of my classmates will ask questions during the report(which i think is still weird, because questions should be brought up until the end of the whole group report!) class will only last for 50 minutes. i bet, i'll be reporting on friday, the 29th (Day 7)!

i'm tired from waiting and waiting! i just want to get this report done right away, so i can breathe normally again!... it's so stressful!... i have other things to do in other subjects!... i also have an economic research paper to worry about!... i need a hug.

in a 'good' place, so far

2005-07-10T02:42:00.000+08:00

what a relief!... just when i was really feeling down with so much disappointment, i run into a long lost friend in an instant messaging program. once more, i was put in high spirits. i haven't been this excited to converse with anybody, since...who the heck knows when!...haha... i've really missed this friend. i hope to see this dear friend soon! (i'm crossing my fingers for this one)

i could not be more ecstatic for such a pleasant surprise. sigh! if only every single day, i'd be entitled to get wonderful news. i could get used to being this happy, hehe! anyway, i can continue to hope for more splendid events. frankly, i think i deserve to be cheered up more often, so that i may have the energy to live (sounds really cheesy, huh?, but it's the truth!). for the meantime, i'll relish this nice encounter in my thoughts.

i'm in a 'good' place now, so far.

i just hope that i won't be too disheartened by anything or anyone soon, or else...

i'm disappointed!

2005-07-09T17:55:00.000+08:00

once again, i made the mistake of depending on others!!!... it's so bloody tiring to expect from people and in the end they'll leave me with zilch. damn it!... whatever happened to being "friends"??... i guess, those relationships were just based on mere 'utility' and nothing more. too bad for me, i suppose!...aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhhh!

just a facade???

2005-07-07T22:04:00.000+08:00

sometimes, i wonder if i really am a "good" person. am i just putting on a facade/image of being "nice"?... there are moments wherein i question my own motives in anything i do. it bothers me that i doubt myself regarding this. *sigh!

"insensitive, much?!"

2005-07-04T22:41:00.000+08:00

i'm really irritated when a person speaks in a manner wherein he/she wants me to do something hurriedly!... it's so insulting!... he/she is implying that his/her time is so precious for me to keep dragging on. puhlease!!... he/she even has the nerve to impose on me. all i can say is: "insensitive, much?!"... arrrggghhh!!!

nothing

2005-07-02T19:44:00.000+08:00

lately, my life seems so mundane. i'm not that driven to pursue anything at all. everything is just a series of ordinary circumstances that occupy my time. thus, whenever i think back what i accomplished during the day, i'm always left staring at a blank and empty wall of void. it's just incomprehensible to me that i've reached such a very dreary mindset. perhaps, i'm just bored with what's been happening...or i've given up hope, because i'm used to being disappointed and shortchanged most often. i have nothing to look forward to.

fury in tears...

2005-07-01T20:50:00.000+08:00

today, i was so furious that my tearducts welled up. yeah, i cried for a few minutes due to so much frustration. i was really trembling from head to toe! what's worse was that i was already hyperventilating! why was i feeling so tensed??... well, my father almost made my car key vanish into an abyss. he forgot where he placed the key right after using it this early morning. when i called him in his office to ask, i was just discouraged by his responses...darn!... then, i called my mother to ask whether she was aware of where my father left the key. i only got more infuriated. sometimes, parents can be insensitive to their children. they have a way of always directing the blame to their offsprings, even though they're the ones at fault. in my case, i never win in any argument with them!... it's so unfair!... it's so stressful talking to them!... perhaps, it would be better for me to just listen to what they're saying and be passive. in this manner, i'm spared from being furious and teary-eyed at the same time... *sigh!

i thought i wasn't going to be able to drive my car to school...but, lo and behold!, i found the key!... all's well that ends well...

walking through Mother Nature's "sadness"...

2005-06-23T08:26:00.000+08:00

last night, i almost got hurt from walking through the giant raindrops that ravaged the cold concrete road. inch by inch, i braved the cold, dark and melancholic aura of the night. i was trying so hard not to slip and fall hard down on the ground, because that would be too messy and that would only mean more time for me to 'commiserate' in Mother Nature's sadness. i was more terrified by the enormous potholes that served as basins for the water puddles, as compared to the deafening outpour of the rain. yeah, in a way, my life was lingering in the "crack" that stood in between comfort and pain. the time i spent walking slowly through the rain upon the moist-laden earth had definitely sent shivers down my spine!

personal space

2005-06-19T00:58:00.000+08:00

whenever people expect a lot from me, the first thing that pops into my mind is a picture of me standing over a cliff and taking the plunge down a deep ravine. i get a feeling of being nauseous and anxious at the same time. it really terrifies the hell out of me! some people whom i know can be so imposing, even though they ask in the nicest manner possible. i hope that they 'back off', even a few feet away, once in a while. there's such a thing as "personal space".

i'm the "Coyote" that needs therapy...

2005-06-18T17:48:00.000+08:00

lately, it feels like i'm the 'Coyote' in those "Roadrunner" cartoons that i always watched when i was much younger. this coyote always gets in trouble after plotting to catch the roadrunner. i can still recall that he uses products from "Acme", right, right!...hehe... well, that's just a minor tidbit. in one episode, he has employed an anvil to drop over a cliff; so that when the roadrunner encounters the bait, the anvil would crush the fowl into a juicy pulp. as always, the plan backfires on the coyote and the roadrunner would escape and speed away into the horizon.

reflecting on that seemingly idiotic brand of slapstick from an animated show, i've realized that what's happening to the coyote is not different from what's happening to me recently. i have this subconscious tendency to plot the demise of those people around me. (sounds so psychotic of me, huh?) when i said "demise", i was referring to 'the little misfortunes that beset any person everyday'. i have no intention of killing anybody, ok?! it would be too messy! my point is this: i always try my best to do well in any undertaking, but sometimes it's not enough...by a mile!... i just don't get it---some people have all the luck in the world, and here i am with zilch! this reality frustrates me. at times i figure, i can't be too nice to others because i'd be shortchanged, anyway. after all, life is a dog-eat-dog world!

unlike the coyote, i have a conscience that keeps me on the right side of the tracks. it's so overwhelming that i always end up losing against it. just as soon as i'm about to execute an "evil" plan, my conscience attacks from the inside. eventually, my ego is left in shambles. tsk tsk!

this must explain why i can be such a brat around people. i hurt their feelings and i end up with a heavy heart and an earth-shattering migraine!

perhaps, i need therapy to work out my 'issues'.

stuck in a moment

2005-06-15T21:07:00.000+08:00

what did just happen??... was i mistaken with what i heard? it has seemed that every second expanded into hours. my jaw almost dropped to the floor. i was like "what the?!?!..." for the past few hours, i've been rewinding my short-term memory to that particular moment during the day. on the inside, i've been screaming at myself, so that i could be reminded of the severity of this matter. panic has overwhelmed my inner consciousness! images of inevitable repercussions have continuously been brewing in my mind. oh no! what now?! what should i do about it?! should i keep hush-hush, anyway?

i didn't expect this curve ball to be thrown at me. how could i be so blind and oblivious?

first day in hell...er..i mean, 'school'

2005-06-14T22:09:00.000+08:00

if i screw up in my senior year in college, i'm doomed for sure!...

i stepped out of my car and the first thing that greeted me was the frickin' ultraviolet rays of the sun. the air was so polluted that i could see the dust particulates settling on any visible surface. there wasn't any tinge of cool breeze that i could find comfort in.

as the fiery afternoon progressed, i have become more and more parched and famished. my head has started to throb into an awful migraine. all that i wanted to do was to run to a dark corner and curl up like a ball, so that i could escape the madness for a short while.

if only i could ask a friend to give me a hug (without giving any reason whatsoever), it would definitely assure me that everything would be okay. i want somebody to tell me that i need not worry about the nearby flames, which could devour me in one big hurrah, because i don't have to be alone in this 'infernal dimension'.

tomorrow is another 'hot' day...

a lot of blood...

2005-06-12T14:53:00.000+08:00

i saw a lot of blood dripping out!... oh no!... it really hurts. i can't believe that this happened to me. never in a million years have i thought that this would overwhelm me. the pain is excruciating and mind-numbing. for a second there, i thought i saw my life flashed before me. another second after that, the feeling sank in. there was nothing that i could do to take back what has come upon me. i was helpless, powerless... right now, all i can do is bear the burden. in time, i would be able to adapt and live with this certainty.

today, i almost got my big toenail chipped off!... there's still a lot of blood dripping... =(

a bad feeling

2005-06-04T19:32:00.000+08:00

i can't take this anymore! i feel pressured nowadays. suddenly, there's so much at stake in my life. i loathe adjusting to the abrupt change. i really don't know how to deal with it. the anxiety is killing me! i have a bad feeling that i'm going to fail and fall face down after a few months.

school is starting in just 10 days. i know that i've been through 15 years worth of first-day-in-school but i really dread this particular one for year #16. for one reason, it's my senior year in college already. there are so much expectations from others and myself. i could care less about what others expect of me, but nothing would stop me from worrying about what i expect from me. see, i always seek very high personal goals. i can't help it! i have this 'screwed up' sense of setting myself up for failure. yeah, it's like i'm holding a loaded pistol straight down my throat. what's worse, i'm merely standing by and slowly pulling the trigger towards an immanent "demise". sometimes, (actually, often!) i just want to run away and give up on everything that i need to do in life. still, i have no direction, no clear path ahead. my life seems sad and awful, i know.

by the way, i'm still holding the 'pistol'. =(

ahem...ahem!

2005-05-14T22:58:00.000+08:00

i don't know what happened or what i did to deserve this, but it hurts! i feel stifled and awful... i can't swallow normally. my throat hurts so much that i have to clear it every few seconds, even if i feel not doing it. i tried drinking a glass of water after another to cleanse my throat, but it doesn't do me any good. if i could only take my throat out, just so i'd feel an ounce of relief....*sigh! maybe, it's time to take some cough medicine, like my mom has been telling me. i don't want to...but what other choice do i have?

"wtf!?!?"

2005-05-06T16:52:00.000+08:00

*sigh!... some people make me feel so bad by their mere presence. i don't get it!... it seems that i'm repulsed by them. i just want to punch them in the face...aaarrrggghhh! when they make an annoying remark about something, the first thing i do is that i subtly roll my eyes and then i quietly tell myself "what the f***!? huh?". perhaps, they're trying to be witty or funny... *shrug*... i'm not at all amused!... why do i feel this way???

redundant

2005-05-02T02:17:00.000+08:00

read between the lines... you'll see more than what's being said. it's so obvious but subtle at the same time.

We're living in repetition.

Content in the same old shtick again.

Now the routine's turning to contention,

Like a production line going over and over and over, rollercoaster.

Now I cannot speak, I lost my voice.

I'm speechless and redundant.

'Cause I love you's not enough.

I'm lost for words.

Choreographed and lack of passion.

Prototypes of what we were.

Went full circle 'til I'm nauseous.

Taken for granted.

Now I'm wasted, fainted, hated,

Now i hate it.

Now I cannot speak, I lost my voice.

I'm speechless and redundant,

'Cause I love you's not enough.

I'm lost for words...

("Redundant", A song by Green Day)

the sand and sea aren't my cup of tea

2005-04-29T19:34:00.000+08:00

i know the title of this post rhymes!...haha... anyway, it's self-explanatory.

i never liked going to the beach. i hate the feeling of walking on the sandy shore; the wet sand sticks to my feet and stays in between my toes (ugh!). i loathe the huge waves splashing onto my body; the salt dries up every inch of my flesh. i despise being hit by the harmful ultraviolet rays of the sun; it slowly toasts my skin to a burnt crisp. above all, going to the beach has always meant that i'd be away from "civilization". people would refer to me as "creature of comfort" in such a negative light. but that's just me!

for the last 3 days, i got dragged along by my family to "hell", disguised as a summer paradise. once again, my immense aversion for this place has been affirmed on so many levels. i really can't figure out what sort of "bliss" is derived by other humans with staying on the beach. it is and will always be a big mystery to me. *sigh

ME = an afterthought and a stranger to everybody else?!

2005-04-22T22:51:00.000+08:00

it's so bloody difficult to trust some people! at first, they seem so nice and good on the outside. that's what they want me to believe, so that they can gain some foundation of closeness with me. such gestures to forge relationships are part of an elaborate ruse to catch me off guard. actually, i'm not at all surprised by the deception and trickery that they may have up their sleeves. they have their own vested interests. i always expect that they'll hurt and let me down. i can't even recall one moment in which i've felt that they've been "there" for me. perhaps, there may have been several displays of sympathy; but such moments have not been that "genuine" enough to be remembered. it's such a shame that i've always felt like an "AFTERTHOUGHT" towards people, even those whom are really close and dear to me. it's as if i'm still a STRANGER to their consciousness. damn it! *sigh*

always waiting

2005-04-21T17:35:00.000+08:00

why do i always feel like i'm waiting for everybody else?... it's such a crummy feeling! what's worse is that i really don't have to, but i insist on feeling this way, anyway. perhaps, my life is so insipid that i engage myself in pointless and redundant reflections. aarrgghh!!!

new hairstyle = new me ?

2005-04-12T19:49:00.000+08:00

hi... today, i went to the salon to have my hair cut, after more than 3 months. it feels so nice and wonderful to get a new hairstyle (with bangs...hehe). i was pondering in the chair, while my hair was being blow-dried. it felt that i was becoming a "new" me, but i'm still the same person. it's an odd notion, isn't it?...

back in training

2005-04-09T17:13:00.001+08:00

after months and months of tackling school work, i'm back in Karate training on a weekly basis. yeah, i'm devoting 3 hours per day during saturdays and sundays to Karate. it's such an exhilarating feeling to know that i still have the passion for it. Karate isn't only a physical activity to busy myself with during the vacation, but also a character-building endeavor for my personal formation. after being away for quite a while, i am very eager to continue and perhaps excel in this undertaking, more than ever!...haha :)

moving on...(sort of)

2005-03-26T18:29:00.000+08:00

being stuck at home is really a dull thing. it's so dull that i was motivated to do some spring cleaning in my room! yeah, i had to let go of so much stuff, which merely cluttered space. at first, i couldn't throw out such stuff, but i realized that it was the right time. when i was younger, i had boxes that contained personal "life-souvenirs". however, everything piled up and collected so much dust. unfortunately, i'm allergic to dust! i can't breathe normally with it around.

anyway, it felt like i was finally moving on (sort of). =)

marooned!

2005-03-23T15:15:00.000+08:00

sigh! i'm marooned at home!(is that even possible?)...nothing much to do and nothing spectacular going on. i need to start a new hobby or pasttime, perhaps. better yet, i should call up my high school friends, so that i could catch up with their lives. i miss them a whole lot!

i admit, my life has been quite monotonous. it's time to put a little dash of color into it soon. however, i don't know where to begin... any ideas?

having a cold...

2005-03-20T19:58:00.000+08:00

i feel sick... really awful!... i can't breathe normally... and, the weather is so humid... i've used up tons and tons of tissue. what's worse is that my asthma is acting up, as well. my allergies are on a hyperdrive. aaarrrggghhh!... i need to drink a lot of fluids....sigh!...

bittersweet ending...for now

2005-03-14T18:35:00.000+08:00

in just a few more days, finally, i get to rest and relax. the schoolyear is nearing another completion. there'll be new memories to cherish and to look back on, in years to come... it pains me that i'll miss every moment, every face, every word, every gesture that touched my life, during the last 10 months. nonetheless, every ending does give way to a better beginning...

ALONE!

2005-02-26T18:49:00.000+08:00

my last post before this one was about Smiling... well, this one talks about the exact OPPOSITE!... yeah, the title is in all caps, because it's the only way i can emphasize how bad i feel, as i write down this entry... i feel so ALONE...helpless...vulnerable... today, my tear ducts were flooding... the word PATHETIC doesn't even begin to describe my current state... the stress from yesterday and today has piled up, and was eventually released through a feeling of utter depression.

am i being punished? why is everything going against me today? it seems that there's some force that's "out to get me!"... i am lost with this one...

i'm not kidding, this time!... this isn't a work of mere frivolity... =(

a reason for smiling...

2005-02-25T22:27:00.000+08:00

"a smile can light up any room"...

it's true, i suppose. it soothes the pain of the weary person. it calms the anxiety in anybody's heart. it wipes away the tears that muddle one's eyes. it radiates an invisible light that embraces anyone who feels vulnerable.

a person becomes more endearing and beautiful to me, when he/she smiles. it's as if they're telling me that "everything is fine!", amidst the stress and anxiety of life itself. yeah, i feel more at ease, when i'm with people who wear good cheer on their faces. in turn, they become my reason for smiling. shallow as it may sound, but it's enough for me...

not sure of what's going on

2005-02-25T07:49:00.000+08:00

you said you'd read me like a book

but the pages are all torn and frayed...

day in, day out...you're there, but not entirely there. all i see is a vacuous void. all i hear is a stark silence. all i feel is a cold connection. yeah, i don't seem to be affected; but, unconsciously, i am. please, don't mistake my passivity for "unfeeling-ness". i'm not sure of what's going on.

6 hours of afternoon slumber...haha

2005-02-23T23:55:00.000+08:00

today, i had 6 hours of pure slumber. it has been weeks...nay, months...since i last slept that soundly, minus the stress of worrying about school work. i felt refreshed and rejuvenated! sleep has always been a precious blessing that should be cherished...haha! it's not only a blessing, but a good escape from life's struggles, even for a few hours, right? another way of looking at it, sleep is a conduit through which a person can do some deep self-reflection!... any thoughts about sleep?

too few moments

2005-02-22T23:58:00.000+08:00

lately, time has been fleeting so quickly. little by little, the seconds turn into minutes, which turn into hours... there's so much work to be accomplished, but time has too few moments to spare for everyone. in the blink of an eye, the future becomes the present, which then shifts to the past. it seems that STOPPING for a while would mean dire consequences to mere mortals in this worldly sphere. everything has to be squeezed in too short a time, or else! indeed, time is such a precious resource; it shouldn't be wasted, no matter what.

a haunting yet poignant melody...

2005-02-21T23:33:00.000+08:00

Existentialism on Prom Night

(song by STRAYLIGHT RUN)

when the sun came up

we were sleeping in

sunk inside our blankets

sprawled across the bed

and we were dreaming

there are moments when i know it

and the world revolves around us

and we're keeping it

keeping it all going

this delicate balance

vulnerable

all knowing

(sing like you think no one's listening)

you would kill for this

just a little bit

so, sing me something soft

sad and delicate

or loud and out of key

sing me anything

we're glad for what we've got

done with what we've lost

our whole lives laid out right in front of us

i just heard this song over LAUNCHCast yesterday. the words have struck a chord in my body. moreover, the song's piano accompaniment has made me feel a little teary-eyed. it is haunting yet poignant. don't take my word for it... hear the song for yourself!

"emotionally-imbalanced"

2005-02-20T03:14:00.000+08:00

nowadays, i have been feeling all sorts of emotions. at one moment, i'm so happy that i laugh or smile at the most mundane of circumstances; hours later, i take a 180-degree turn towards depression. in between those two emotions, i feel anger and frustration. afterwards, i feel very helpless. then, suddenly, things would be "okay" again... yeah, it's like being in a ROLLER COASTER. i have no control of the entire "ride"; most of the time, i get carried away. i use up so much energy keeping up with the emotions that i soak myself with. i'm always STRESSED OUT!

can i just take a 'break'?

can i just have a moment to 'breathe'?

can i just find a 'balance' to hold on to?

HELP!

a real conversation

2005-02-19T14:47:00.000+08:00

i like talking to people because i learn. there are times, though, where face-to-face encounters with people terrify me. it's just so...well..."in your face"(obviously!). i get really conscious of somebody staring at me for quite a long period of time. he/she is THERE waiting for my next word, gesture, breath of air... there are moments where i absolutely run out of things to say; it embarrasses me that i have nothing left to share to people. yeah, it's such a VULNERABLE state. if i could only disappear into thin air at the moment wherein anxiety is creeping up all over me, i'd feel an ounce of relief.

don't get me wrong here... in a conversation, i prefer being the LISTENER. it's so fascinating to let the other person's words splash over my ears. i like processing his/her thoughts in my head and getting some meaning out of those ideas. listening helps me know the other person as who he/she really is. furthermore, listening stimulates me to do SELF-REFLECTION.

the odd thing about me is that i'm more open to sharing my thoughts via online media of communication, such as "instant messaging". it is through which i'm capable of having a 'REAL' conversation with another HUMAN person. i feel more COMPELLED to talk; perhaps, the risk of being vulnerable contains less impact. moreover, i have the luxury of choosing the right words that would best convey my feelings. see, i'm a WRITER at heart. i exude more eloquence and wit through written speech. (instant messaging is, 'technically', a form of writing, but it's done through typing...haha!). whereas, when i verbally speak, i start to tremble and get all tongue-tied.

putting things in focus, i have to say that instant messaging won't ever replace the real deal! it's sort of a SPRINGBOARD to having a real conversation, isn't it? two people talking face-to-face matters the most, of course. that reminds me, i'm now looking forward to having one soon!

sometimes...sometimes...

2005-02-18T20:15:00.000+08:00

sometimes, i just want to know what it's like to be someone other than ME. i'd like to see life from somebody else's pair of eyes...breathe with someone else's pair of lungs...hear with someone else's pair of ears...feel with someone else's touch. i'd give anything to swap places with another human being, even for a whole day or just a minute. perhaps, life would look so much better, more promising, less painful, not that disappointing.

sometimes, i just want to be able to STOP feeling at all, even for a second. i really get tired of feeling all sorts of emotions (joy, anger, sadness, frustration, guilt, etc) simultaneously. i think i deserve a "break" from life.

sometimes, i just want to LET GO of life. i'd like to live in a manner in which i'm just "open" to possibilities and not awaiting for any final result. i'm here...only to WAIT for whatever is in store for me.

sometimes, i just want to see if i can be everything that i aspire.

sometimes, i just want to have a glimpse of the IMPOSSIBLE.

sometimes...

"Persnickety" Premiere

2005-02-17T22:45:00.000+08:00

persnickety!... it's one of my favorite words in the English language. i like the way it sounds when it's being pronounced. it's so simple and intricate at the same time. try enunciating it for several times!...it rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?

sometimes, i ponder on this word, and i realize that, somehow, it describes myself. (by the way, it means: being overparticular about trivial details; having exacting standards; fussy; choosy...etc... you get the idea, right?) yeah, i'm a stickler for details...haha... i like things done in a certain way, or else! see, i really can't help obsessing about stuff in my life... it's how i deal with life. it makes me sane and insane at the same time. do you get what i mean?

it takes so much to get to know me... i'm so simple and intricate at the same time. i myself don't even know who i really am!!!