a bad feeling

i can't take this anymore! i feel pressured nowadays. suddenly, there's so much at stake in my life. i loathe adjusting to the abrupt change. i really don't know how to deal with it. the anxiety is killing me! i have a bad feeling that i'm going to fail and fall face down after a few months.

school is starting in just 10 days. i know that i've been through 15 years worth of first-day-in-school but i really dread this particular one for year #16. for one reason, it's my senior year in college already. there are so much expectations from others and myself. i could care less about what others expect of me, but nothing would stop me from worrying about what i expect from me. see, i always seek very high personal goals. i can't help it! i have this 'screwed up' sense of setting myself up for failure. yeah, it's like i'm holding a loaded pistol straight down my throat. what's worse, i'm merely standing by and slowly pulling the trigger towards an immanent "demise". sometimes, (actually, often!) i just want to run away and give up on everything that i need to do in life. still, i have no direction, no clear path ahead. my life seems sad and awful, i know.

by the way, i'm still holding the 'pistol'. =(