just desensitized

there are moments when i actually feel nothing emotionally. it's as if i've become cold and lifeless. my mind is telling me that i know better than to... and yet, my heart is making me bear what's happening. i'm in the middle; i'm standing within the cracks...just standing still. it's as if i'm waiting for someone or something, but i already know that nobody and nothing will come.

in these moments, i tell myself to feel nothing, because feeling something would only mean that i allow these times to overwhelm and control me. it's better to "shut down" during these minutes than to get hurt along the way. i alone know that it's such a miserable state. i try to be strong, nonetheless. i owe it to myself to pull myself together. i don't complain most often, for i'm aware that doing so would be futile. these moments are never worth-remembering!

it's only a matter of months before everything comes to a close, and such moments would cease to transpire. after everything is over, i'm never putting myself through it all. going beyond would just be too much. i know that i deserve to have moments wherein i'm actually happy and taken cared of.

i need to sacrifice by not feeling anything. i have to be desensitized.