pain...

i never, in my whole life, thought i could feel so much pain each day. it makes me want to loathe myself for actually feeling and dwelling in this rut. it seems no amount of consoling can even start to make me feel better. my tears are not even enough to express the anguish i am going through. it's so vile that others can cause another strife and suffering. how can i be strong when i am emotionally incapacitated by this?? it's just not fair!

of dread and despair

at the office, these days, my mind wanders and suddenly i feel like i am going insane, being eaten up by so much anxiety. it's all repressed inside. i want to cry, shout, jump over a cliff or anything that would finally relieve me of this dread! i feel very bothered. but then, i have no outlet. maybe, i am messed up already; i just keep brushing it aside, so that i won't stick out like a sore thumb that much. it's not because i am bored at work or i have lost the "drive" to do my job. don't get me wrong, i love my job. it seems that it's the only thing that keeps me "sane" and somehow summon the will to wake up the next day. i have been doing a lot of thinking and it just makes me feel more empty. it's so unnerving.

do you ever get the feeling that what you do is never enough?...you try to find a myriad of ways of filling that void; in the end, you always come up short. having that reality slammed on your face can and will make you detest your own self.

do you ever feel like punching someone really hard to the point of making your hands bleed?... that's how i feel right now; only, i can't actually do it because the frustration of feeling that way is much more overwhelming. all i am left to do is wallow in my tears.

silence

the silence is breaking my heart...