just desensitized

there are moments when i actually feel nothing emotionally. it's as if i've become cold and lifeless. my mind is telling me that i know better than to... and yet, my heart is making me bear what's happening. i'm in the middle; i'm standing within the cracks...just standing still. it's as if i'm waiting for someone or something, but i already know that nobody and nothing will come.

in these moments, i tell myself to feel nothing, because feeling something would only mean that i allow these times to overwhelm and control me. it's better to "shut down" during these minutes than to get hurt along the way. i alone know that it's such a miserable state. i try to be strong, nonetheless. i owe it to myself to pull myself together. i don't complain most often, for i'm aware that doing so would be futile. these moments are never worth-remembering!

it's only a matter of months before everything comes to a close, and such moments would cease to transpire. after everything is over, i'm never putting myself through it all. going beyond would just be too much. i know that i deserve to have moments wherein i'm actually happy and taken cared of.

i need to sacrifice by not feeling anything. i have to be desensitized.

so close...but not yet there...

Day 5... it's been almost 2 weeks now since my group reported for our MWF class in Economic History of Modern Japan. Out of the 5 members, we're still listening to reporter #4's part!(she's just halfway: 35 powerpoint slides to go)... i'm reporter #5. i thought that i'd be able to report this week but i was dead wrong! i was happy and sad at the same time: happy because i've been dreading to report in front of the class (until now, i still tremble while speaking in public!); sad because it's been days and days of prolonged agony.

sometimes, i swear, for the past several days, i've been having nightmares of me messing up in my report!!! the madness is overwhelming. i've rewritten my report in different sizes of index cards during the last week, and i'm never satisfied. i've edited my powerpoint presentation several times already, and i can't seem to get it right. i've tried to add more content to it, but in the end i'd just remove the additional stuff, anyway. i'm so obsessed with getting this report out of the way.

*sigh*

on monday, classes are cancelled due to a national political event, so i'm safe from doing the report. on wednesday, reporter #4 will continue her report...and reporter #3 will report an additional topic that he somehow missed out. my teacher keeps on interrupting the report with her comments and clarifications. some of my classmates will ask questions during the report(which i think is still weird, because questions should be brought up until the end of the whole group report!) class will only last for 50 minutes. i bet, i'll be reporting on friday, the 29th (Day 7)!

i'm tired from waiting and waiting! i just want to get this report done right away, so i can breathe normally again!... it's so stressful!... i have other things to do in other subjects!... i also have an economic research paper to worry about!... i need a hug.

in a 'good' place, so far

what a relief!... just when i was really feeling down with so much disappointment, i run into a long lost friend in an instant messaging program. once more, i was put in high spirits. i haven't been this excited to converse with anybody, since...who the heck knows when!...haha... i've really missed this friend. i hope to see this dear friend soon! (i'm crossing my fingers for this one)

i could not be more ecstatic for such a pleasant surprise. sigh! if only every single day, i'd be entitled to get wonderful news. i could get used to being this happy, hehe! anyway, i can continue to hope for more splendid events. frankly, i think i deserve to be cheered up more often, so that i may have the energy to live (sounds really cheesy, huh?, but it's the truth!). for the meantime, i'll relish this nice encounter in my thoughts.

i'm in a 'good' place now, so far.

i just hope that i won't be too disheartened by anything or anyone soon, or else...

i'm disappointed!

once again, i made the mistake of depending on others!!!... it's so bloody tiring to expect from people and in the end they'll leave me with zilch. damn it!... whatever happened to being "friends"??... i guess, those relationships were just based on mere 'utility' and nothing more. too bad for me, i suppose!...aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhhh!

just a facade???

sometimes, i wonder if i really am a "good" person. am i just putting on a facade/image of being "nice"?... there are moments wherein i question my own motives in anything i do. it bothers me that i doubt myself regarding this. *sigh!

"insensitive, much?!"

i'm really irritated when a person speaks in a manner wherein he/she wants me to do something hurriedly!... it's so insulting!... he/she is implying that his/her time is so precious for me to keep dragging on. puhlease!!... he/she even has the nerve to impose on me. all i can say is: "insensitive, much?!"... arrrggghhh!!!

nothing

lately, my life seems so mundane. i'm not that driven to pursue anything at all. everything is just a series of ordinary circumstances that occupy my time. thus, whenever i think back what i accomplished during the day, i'm always left staring at a blank and empty wall of void. it's just incomprehensible to me that i've reached such a very dreary mindset. perhaps, i'm just bored with what's been happening...or i've given up hope, because i'm used to being disappointed and shortchanged most often. i have nothing to look forward to.

fury in tears...

today, i was so furious that my tearducts welled up. yeah, i cried for a few minutes due to so much frustration. i was really trembling from head to toe! what's worse was that i was already hyperventilating! why was i feeling so tensed??... well, my father almost made my car key vanish into an abyss. he forgot where he placed the key right after using it this early morning. when i called him in his office to ask, i was just discouraged by his responses...darn!... then, i called my mother to ask whether she was aware of where my father left the key. i only got more infuriated. sometimes, parents can be insensitive to their children. they have a way of always directing the blame to their offsprings, even though they're the ones at fault. in my case, i never win in any argument with them!... it's so unfair!... it's so stressful talking to them!... perhaps, it would be better for me to just listen to what they're saying and be passive. in this manner, i'm spared from being furious and teary-eyed at the same time... *sigh!

i thought i wasn't going to be able to drive my car to school...but, lo and behold!, i found the key!... all's well that ends well...