aaaaarrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

since this is my blog, i can pretty much say whatever, right? as of writing this entry, i want to type a whole bunch of curses and expletives that are known to man. why? i'm so stressed, damn it. i feel like punching another person for the heck of it...just because i can and i want to. or else, i'll explode and maybe have a sudden rise in my blood pressure (or something close to it like bursting a blood vessel wherever in my body!)... i want to shout as loud as it's humanly possible right now. BUT i can't since my throat is sore and it hurts like hell to exert that extra effort. come to think of it, i'd only aggravate the immense anxiety i'm having now. aaaarrrrggghhh! there aren't enough letters and punctuation marks to express how awful i'm feeling, as of this moment. there are times wherein it's so burdensome to live. it's no wonder some people suffer bouts of depression and feel utter disgust for anything coming their way. it seems so damn pointless to even acknowledge these "disturbances".

what the?!

when i feel so down, i don't cry...i stare into an empty void. tears aren't even enough to convey the gloom that has engulfed me. that's pretty much what i'm feeling now. i want to blurt out a myriad of verbal expletives so that i can release the tension. however, i stay silent. uttering those hurtful words won't even start to describe how bad i feel right now. sometimes, i want to physically torture myself so that others won't be able to inflict more pain upon me.

it seems that: i'm NEVER good enough! i always FAIL to measure up! i only give the LEAST of anything?!

back from a long blogging hiatus

it's been almost 4 months since my last blog entry. a lot has happened within that span of time...

december 29
i'll never forget this day. i left my first job after measly 2 months and 13 days. i thought to myself: "this won't look good on my resume! good luck on finding work soon." then again, i can have a fresh start going into 2007, so it's not entirely a bad thing. i told my parents about what happened through a letter!? yup, that's a testament on how, sometimes, i can be a coward in sharing my thoughts to my loved ones. i can never seem to handle instant feedback from others and communicating back my feelings. good thing though, i was spared from my mom making a "big fuss" about it. part of dealing with the transition from being employed to being jobless is "abandoning" my blog altogether. i just could not stand reading the latest entries, especially those about my first job. it gave me an odd, creepy feeling. ugh!

january '07
during the first few weeks of 2007, i stayed home and embodied a bum's life to a tee. a typical day would involve sleeping late at night and waking up at noon, eating, watching tv, web surfing and downloading, and doing some chores, so that i won't be that bored. sometimes, i'd look at job openings on the web but it'd all turn out to be pointless. then again, i'm a very picky jobseeker. my hopes of landing a 2nd job were given new life when the Ateneo held its 5-day job fair. i gave out copies of my updated resume to companies that seem promising to me. right then and there, i was bombarded with invitations to job exams and interviews. and so, i went out to begin my search.

february '07
i always look forward to my birthday month. this year was my 22nd. i had a feeling that my luck would change for the better...i was dead wrong! in the first half of the month, i wasn't moving forward with any of my job applications. i told myself: "perhaps, i'm not meant to work again!" the only thing that kept me optimistic was my constant prayer to God that i may be blessed to find work. on the 19th, i tried my luck getting through a day's worth of exams for a position at a research company in Makati. days later, i got a call from that same company, telling me that i'm up for my first interview. i thought i did very well in that pursuit. 2 weeks passed since that day and still no call.

march '07
the wait was killing me. i decided to ask about my application status. as it turns out, the HR department has been having trouble scheduling my 2nd interview because the interviewer was so busy. a week later, i had the opportunity to have a "chat" with the research director. again, i thought i gave my best to impress her. roughly a week and a half passed and still no word from them. for the 2nd time, the lull was due to the fact that the HR manager was abroad in a conference. then, on the 20th, i was scheduled to meet with the HR manager for my final interview and salary negotiation. lo and behold, i was offered a job, finally! did i accept the offer? of course, i did. on april 10th, i'll be working as a research associate at TNS. it's such a blessing from God. this is proof that prayers work and anything is possible with great faith.

i'm so relieved grateful that i'm up and running again with work. my luck did change for the better; i was just off by a month. i hope i'll do much better with what i have now. and, i'll try posting more entries in my blog.