walking through Mother Nature's "sadness"...

last night, i almost got hurt from walking through the giant raindrops that ravaged the cold concrete road. inch by inch, i braved the cold, dark and melancholic aura of the night. i was trying so hard not to slip and fall hard down on the ground, because that would be too messy and that would only mean more time for me to 'commiserate' in Mother Nature's sadness. i was more terrified by the enormous potholes that served as basins for the water puddles, as compared to the deafening outpour of the rain. yeah, in a way, my life was lingering in the "crack" that stood in between comfort and pain. the time i spent walking slowly through the rain upon the moist-laden earth had definitely sent shivers down my spine!

personal space

whenever people expect a lot from me, the first thing that pops into my mind is a picture of me standing over a cliff and taking the plunge down a deep ravine. i get a feeling of being nauseous and anxious at the same time. it really terrifies the hell out of me! some people whom i know can be so imposing, even though they ask in the nicest manner possible. i hope that they 'back off', even a few feet away, once in a while. there's such a thing as "personal space".

i'm the "Coyote" that needs therapy...

lately, it feels like i'm the 'Coyote' in those "Roadrunner" cartoons that i always watched when i was much younger. this coyote always gets in trouble after plotting to catch the roadrunner. i can still recall that he uses products from "Acme", right, right!...hehe... well, that's just a minor tidbit. in one episode, he has employed an anvil to drop over a cliff; so that when the roadrunner encounters the bait, the anvil would crush the fowl into a juicy pulp. as always, the plan backfires on the coyote and the roadrunner would escape and speed away into the horizon.

reflecting on that seemingly idiotic brand of slapstick from an animated show, i've realized that what's happening to the coyote is not different from what's happening to me recently. i have this subconscious tendency to plot the demise of those people around me. (sounds so psychotic of me, huh?) when i said "demise", i was referring to 'the little misfortunes that beset any person everyday'. i have no intention of killing anybody, ok?! it would be too messy! my point is this: i always try my best to do well in any undertaking, but sometimes it's not enough...by a mile!... i just don't get it---some people have all the luck in the world, and here i am with zilch! this reality frustrates me. at times i figure, i can't be too nice to others because i'd be shortchanged, anyway. after all, life is a dog-eat-dog world!

unlike the coyote, i have a conscience that keeps me on the right side of the tracks. it's so overwhelming that i always end up losing against it. just as soon as i'm about to execute an "evil" plan, my conscience attacks from the inside. eventually, my ego is left in shambles. tsk tsk!

this must explain why i can be such a brat around people. i hurt their feelings and i end up with a heavy heart and an earth-shattering migraine!

perhaps, i need therapy to work out my 'issues'.

stuck in a moment

what did just happen??... was i mistaken with what i heard? it has seemed that every second expanded into hours. my jaw almost dropped to the floor. i was like "what the?!?!..." for the past few hours, i've been rewinding my short-term memory to that particular moment during the day. on the inside, i've been screaming at myself, so that i could be reminded of the severity of this matter. panic has overwhelmed my inner consciousness! images of inevitable repercussions have continuously been brewing in my mind. oh no! what now?! what should i do about it?! should i keep hush-hush, anyway?

i didn't expect this curve ball to be thrown at me. how could i be so blind and oblivious?

first day in hell...er..i mean, 'school'

if i screw up in my senior year in college, i'm doomed for sure!...

i stepped out of my car and the first thing that greeted me was the frickin' ultraviolet rays of the sun. the air was so polluted that i could see the dust particulates settling on any visible surface. there wasn't any tinge of cool breeze that i could find comfort in.

as the fiery afternoon progressed, i have become more and more parched and famished. my head has started to throb into an awful migraine. all that i wanted to do was to run to a dark corner and curl up like a ball, so that i could escape the madness for a short while.

if only i could ask a friend to give me a hug (without giving any reason whatsoever), it would definitely assure me that everything would be okay. i want somebody to tell me that i need not worry about the nearby flames, which could devour me in one big hurrah, because i don't have to be alone in this 'infernal dimension'.

tomorrow is another 'hot' day...

a lot of blood...

i saw a lot of blood dripping out!... oh no!... it really hurts. i can't believe that this happened to me. never in a million years have i thought that this would overwhelm me. the pain is excruciating and mind-numbing. for a second there, i thought i saw my life flashed before me. another second after that, the feeling sank in. there was nothing that i could do to take back what has come upon me. i was helpless, powerless... right now, all i can do is bear the burden. in time, i would be able to adapt and live with this certainty.

today, i almost got my big toenail chipped off!... there's still a lot of blood dripping... =(

a bad feeling

i can't take this anymore! i feel pressured nowadays. suddenly, there's so much at stake in my life. i loathe adjusting to the abrupt change. i really don't know how to deal with it. the anxiety is killing me! i have a bad feeling that i'm going to fail and fall face down after a few months.

school is starting in just 10 days. i know that i've been through 15 years worth of first-day-in-school but i really dread this particular one for year #16. for one reason, it's my senior year in college already. there are so much expectations from others and myself. i could care less about what others expect of me, but nothing would stop me from worrying about what i expect from me. see, i always seek very high personal goals. i can't help it! i have this 'screwed up' sense of setting myself up for failure. yeah, it's like i'm holding a loaded pistol straight down my throat. what's worse, i'm merely standing by and slowly pulling the trigger towards an immanent "demise". sometimes, (actually, often!) i just want to run away and give up on everything that i need to do in life. still, i have no direction, no clear path ahead. my life seems sad and awful, i know.

by the way, i'm still holding the 'pistol'. =(