ALONE!

my last post before this one was about Smiling... well, this one talks about the exact OPPOSITE!... yeah, the title is in all caps, because it's the only way i can emphasize how bad i feel, as i write down this entry... i feel so ALONE...helpless...vulnerable... today, my tear ducts were flooding... the word PATHETIC doesn't even begin to describe my current state... the stress from yesterday and today has piled up, and was eventually released through a feeling of utter depression.

am i being punished? why is everything going against me today? it seems that there's some force that's "out to get me!"... i am lost with this one...

i'm not kidding, this time!... this isn't a work of mere frivolity... =(

a reason for smiling...

"a smile can light up any room"...

it's true, i suppose. it soothes the pain of the weary person. it calms the anxiety in anybody's heart. it wipes away the tears that muddle one's eyes. it radiates an invisible light that embraces anyone who feels vulnerable.

a person becomes more endearing and beautiful to me, when he/she smiles. it's as if they're telling me that "everything is fine!", amidst the stress and anxiety of life itself. yeah, i feel more at ease, when i'm with people who wear good cheer on their faces. in turn, they become my reason for smiling. shallow as it may sound, but it's enough for me...

not sure of what's going on

you said you'd read me like a book

but the pages are all torn and frayed...

day in, day out...you're there, but not entirely there. all i see is a vacuous void. all i hear is a stark silence. all i feel is a cold connection. yeah, i don't seem to be affected; but, unconsciously, i am. please, don't mistake my passivity for "unfeeling-ness". i'm not sure of what's going on.

6 hours of afternoon slumber...haha

today, i had 6 hours of pure slumber. it has been weeks...nay, months...since i last slept that soundly, minus the stress of worrying about school work. i felt refreshed and rejuvenated! sleep has always been a precious blessing that should be cherished...haha! it's not only a blessing, but a good escape from life's struggles, even for a few hours, right? another way of looking at it, sleep is a conduit through which a person can do some deep self-reflection!... any thoughts about sleep?

too few moments

lately, time has been fleeting so quickly. little by little, the seconds turn into minutes, which turn into hours... there's so much work to be accomplished, but time has too few moments to spare for everyone. in the blink of an eye, the future becomes the present, which then shifts to the past. it seems that STOPPING for a while would mean dire consequences to mere mortals in this worldly sphere. everything has to be squeezed in too short a time, or else! indeed, time is such a precious resource; it shouldn't be wasted, no matter what.

a haunting yet poignant melody...

Existentialism on Prom Night

(song by STRAYLIGHT RUN)

when the sun came up

we were sleeping in

sunk inside our blankets

sprawled across the bed

and we were dreaming

there are moments when i know it

and the world revolves around us

and we're keeping it

keeping it all going

this delicate balance

vulnerable

all knowing

(sing like you think no one's listening)

you would kill for this

just a little bit

so, sing me something soft

sad and delicate

or loud and out of key

sing me anything

we're glad for what we've got

done with what we've lost

our whole lives laid out right in front of us

i just heard this song over LAUNCHCast yesterday. the words have struck a chord in my body. moreover, the song's piano accompaniment has made me feel a little teary-eyed. it is haunting yet poignant. don't take my word for it... hear the song for yourself!

"emotionally-imbalanced"

nowadays, i have been feeling all sorts of emotions. at one moment, i'm so happy that i laugh or smile at the most mundane of circumstances; hours later, i take a 180-degree turn towards depression. in between those two emotions, i feel anger and frustration. afterwards, i feel very helpless. then, suddenly, things would be "okay" again... yeah, it's like being in a ROLLER COASTER. i have no control of the entire "ride"; most of the time, i get carried away. i use up so much energy keeping up with the emotions that i soak myself with. i'm always STRESSED OUT!

can i just take a 'break'?

can i just have a moment to 'breathe'?

can i just find a 'balance' to hold on to?

HELP!

a real conversation

i like talking to people because i learn. there are times, though, where face-to-face encounters with people terrify me. it's just so...well..."in your face"(obviously!). i get really conscious of somebody staring at me for quite a long period of time. he/she is THERE waiting for my next word, gesture, breath of air... there are moments where i absolutely run out of things to say; it embarrasses me that i have nothing left to share to people. yeah, it's such a VULNERABLE state. if i could only disappear into thin air at the moment wherein anxiety is creeping up all over me, i'd feel an ounce of relief.

don't get me wrong here... in a conversation, i prefer being the LISTENER. it's so fascinating to let the other person's words splash over my ears. i like processing his/her thoughts in my head and getting some meaning out of those ideas. listening helps me know the other person as who he/she really is. furthermore, listening stimulates me to do SELF-REFLECTION.

the odd thing about me is that i'm more open to sharing my thoughts via online media of communication, such as "instant messaging". it is through which i'm capable of having a 'REAL' conversation with another HUMAN person. i feel more COMPELLED to talk; perhaps, the risk of being vulnerable contains less impact. moreover, i have the luxury of choosing the right words that would best convey my feelings. see, i'm a WRITER at heart. i exude more eloquence and wit through written speech. (instant messaging is, 'technically', a form of writing, but it's done through typing...haha!). whereas, when i verbally speak, i start to tremble and get all tongue-tied.

putting things in focus, i have to say that instant messaging won't ever replace the real deal! it's sort of a SPRINGBOARD to having a real conversation, isn't it? two people talking face-to-face matters the most, of course. that reminds me, i'm now looking forward to having one soon!

sometimes...sometimes...

sometimes, i just want to know what it's like to be someone other than ME. i'd like to see life from somebody else's pair of eyes...breathe with someone else's pair of lungs...hear with someone else's pair of ears...feel with someone else's touch. i'd give anything to swap places with another human being, even for a whole day or just a minute. perhaps, life would look so much better, more promising, less painful, not that disappointing.

sometimes, i just want to be able to STOP feeling at all, even for a second. i really get tired of feeling all sorts of emotions (joy, anger, sadness, frustration, guilt, etc) simultaneously. i think i deserve a "break" from life.

sometimes, i just want to LET GO of life. i'd like to live in a manner in which i'm just "open" to possibilities and not awaiting for any final result. i'm here...only to WAIT for whatever is in store for me.

sometimes, i just want to see if i can be everything that i aspire.

sometimes, i just want to have a glimpse of the IMPOSSIBLE.

sometimes...

"Persnickety" Premiere

persnickety!... it's one of my favorite words in the English language. i like the way it sounds when it's being pronounced. it's so simple and intricate at the same time. try enunciating it for several times!...it rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?

sometimes, i ponder on this word, and i realize that, somehow, it describes myself. (by the way, it means: being overparticular about trivial details; having exacting standards; fussy; choosy...etc... you get the idea, right?) yeah, i'm a stickler for details...haha... i like things done in a certain way, or else! see, i really can't help obsessing about stuff in my life... it's how i deal with life. it makes me sane and insane at the same time. do you get what i mean?

it takes so much to get to know me... i'm so simple and intricate at the same time. i myself don't even know who i really am!!!