this time...

Somebody told me that prayer works 200% of the time; that's how powerful it is. So here goes mine, as I try I to hold on for dear life:

"Dear Almighty Father,
Right now, things are not going well with my life and my relationships. I sincerely implore Your mercy for true healing in times like these. All I can do now is have complete faith in You, as nothing is impossible in Your power. I seek nothing but Your divine will and hope that what I ask for is You desire for me. Lord, You alone can make me stronger. Honestly, I want these relationships to work out in the end. I trust You, Father. Thank You for always being there to tell me that You are in my midst, ever ready to catch me whenever I stumble. More importantly, I hope that people like me, who are sinners, will find redemption in Your blessing and unconditional love. If only we can even learn to love just half of how much You love us, then we'll be better humans in our human relationships. Amen."

here i am again... lost!

i am still messed up. i never change...

if others are sick of me being this way, i could not agree more. if only, i'd put my own head on the chopping block and be done with it all. i'd stick a knife up my throat and everyone else would be less miserable. if i could make the world a happier place by being not there, then i may have done one good deed, after all, in life. please, i don't need pity...i am not even worth the thought of it.

"blah"

i never win, don't i?... it seems that i'm always to be blamed. i suppose, it's my "curse". oh well, i can't please everybody. i make do with what i have...no matter how "blah". anyway, i'll continue with what's "there".

i suppose...

just thinking aloud, i suppose... i hope i get to "finally" take a rest from this earth. the constant feeling of "not being good enough" is just too overwhelming. at least, i had a good run, if it ever meant anything to anyone in my life. i am just exhausted with waiting to make a "difference" in someone else's life, let alone the whole world. i hope i will be done soon; the sooner, the better.

still very gloomy...

yup, i still am. it's been more than 2 months since i last looked at my blog. i'm still terrified to post something here. however, i felt so sad yesterday and until now that i needed to write this down. i freakin' just want to sleep for the rest of my waking hours, if only i could. lately, i've realized that i am so tired of it all, though i still continue to do what i do in each day. in short, i am in denial. that's how i've been coping. sometimes, i just block it out from memory, but that's not totally possible. anyway, for now, i feel like i'm a drone

pain...

i never, in my whole life, thought i could feel so much pain each day. it makes me want to loathe myself for actually feeling and dwelling in this rut. it seems no amount of consoling can even start to make me feel better. my tears are not even enough to express the anguish i am going through. it's so vile that others can cause another strife and suffering. how can i be strong when i am emotionally incapacitated by this?? it's just not fair!

of dread and despair

at the office, these days, my mind wanders and suddenly i feel like i am going insane, being eaten up by so much anxiety. it's all repressed inside. i want to cry, shout, jump over a cliff or anything that would finally relieve me of this dread! i feel very bothered. but then, i have no outlet. maybe, i am messed up already; i just keep brushing it aside, so that i won't stick out like a sore thumb that much. it's not because i am bored at work or i have lost the "drive" to do my job. don't get me wrong, i love my job. it seems that it's the only thing that keeps me "sane" and somehow summon the will to wake up the next day. i have been doing a lot of thinking and it just makes me feel more empty. it's so unnerving.

do you ever get the feeling that what you do is never enough?...you try to find a myriad of ways of filling that void; in the end, you always come up short. having that reality slammed on your face can and will make you detest your own self.

do you ever feel like punching someone really hard to the point of making your hands bleed?... that's how i feel right now; only, i can't actually do it because the frustration of feeling that way is much more overwhelming. all i am left to do is wallow in my tears.